The Elfling Prince Song
by sibbielee113
Summary: Legolas lands in Hollywood and hits that little world of showbiz! [ongoing] [first chapter just added!] R&R!
1. Prologue: The Elfling Prince Song

Sibbie's back! w00tw00t! I haven't been back here in so long posting stories, so I'm hoping to try to get back into the loop with this story.

The Elfling Prince Song (named for the parody in the prologue) doesn't really kick off until the first chapter, however the prologue is also important because a lot of things are set up. So just consider that as you read ;.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Monty Python, but Mistress Glockenshpiel is a creation of my own twisted and devious mind, and the beat-up boombox in the corner comes courtesy of my last ongoing LOTR fanfic (2003-2004, may it rest in peace). Readers are supposed to use their common sense when I make allusions (allusion- (n) reference to a famous person, place, or event) to know that I don't own any subjects of these allusions either. In other words... DON'T SUE ME, PLEASE! I ONLY LIVE AT A BOARDING SCHOOL BECAUSE I GOT A SCHOLARSHIP, OTHER THAN THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!

Thank you...

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**The Elfling Prince Song**

_Prologue _

"Father, I really don't want my portrait taken…" Legolas's eyes went wide as Mistress Glockenshpiel strode into the room, with her broad stance (for lack of nicer word), haughty posture, and tiny, fluffy, pink hat.

"Ach, my son!" Thranduil robustiously pounded Legolas on the back. "Why shouldn't you want a portrait? Just think of it… the Prince of Mirkwood… Thranduil's son… a famous war hero? Friend of Elendil? Peacemaker with the dwarves?"

"But Father, all this fame… don't you think there's been too much publicity already? I really didn't do anything…"

Thranduil ignored his son's pleading and climbed up onto a nearby table, readying himself to strike a pose at any given moment. "Why, I'm just so proud of you, my dear boy! They even wrote a famous ballad about you!"

Legolas cringed in fear, "Not the ballad! Please, not the ballad!"

"Why don't we all sing the ballad?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" But Legolas's cry was drowned out by the mass assembly of male elves who gathered in formation around Thranduil and began dancing. A beat-up boombox laying around to the side began playing "The Lumberjack Song"… only there was a bit of a swing twist to it…

The music paused. Thranduil took the solo opportunity. This was his favorite song to sing solo, and since he was king he had first dibs on singing parts anyway. "Ohhhhhhh… I'm an elfling prince and I'm okay. I sing all night and I fight all day."

"He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he fights all day," piped up the chorus of elves around Thranduil.

Thranduil was lifted up by the elves behind him as he sang, "I talk with trees, I drink a bunch, I go to the lavatrine. Sometimes I go orc hunting and still have time for my tea."

"He talks with trees, he drinks a bunch, he goes to the lavatrine. Sometimes he goes orc hunting and still has time for his tea," the chorus of male elves chimed.

The group spun as a whole in formations of circles, stars, and smilie faces with Thranduil standing in the middle as the hub of all the action. "Hahaha, yes!" called Thranduil.

"He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he works all day," sang the elves in reply.

Thranduil lifted his arms as the elves set him down on the ground. A sudden spin later and he was in a suit a black jacket and tails, a fedora hat, and tap shoes. Thranduil grinned a winning grin and sang, "I talk with trees, I skip and jump, I stop to sniff the flowers. I take off all my clothing!"

"Woo!" squealed the elves mid-step of their backup dance.

"And find Gandalf in the baaaars!" Thranduil finished his verse Frank Sinatra style.

"He talks with trees, he skips and jumps, he stops to sniff the flowers," sang the elves while doing hop-skipping dance steps. "He takes off all his clothing and finds Gandalf in the bars. He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he fights all day."

"Now, I'd like a volunteer from the audience!" Thranduil grabbed a random mike and drawled in an Elvis voice. After a chorus of screams from the lady elves in the room, he picked a blonde and asked, "Hey, baby, what's your name?"

"Like, OH, MY, GAWD! I'm, like, Betty!" the elf giggled madly.

"Aw, Betty baby, this one's just for you," Thranduil pecked her on the check. As Betty fainted due to RFGS (Rabid FanGirl Syndrome), Thranduil sang, "I talk with trees, I click my heels, I try on Sauron's bra. I bring home Theoden's girly just for my dear papa."

The elves began forming a line, singing, "He talks with trees, he clicks his heels, he tries on Sauron's bra. He brings home Theoden's girly just for his dear papa."

"That's me, you know," Thranduil drawled as an aside to the audience of female elves. "Now, come on, you know the words now, final chorus, let's have EVERYBODY SING!"

Thranduil danced with his fedora hat as the line of elves behind him started a kickline. Everyone in the room began singing, "He's an elfling prince and he's okay. He sings all night and he works all day. Now he's an elfling prince and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay….."

There was a pause in the music. "THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING!" Legolas screamed.

"He sings all night and he fights aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!" Thranduil and company sang in finale. Confetti fell as all of them took their bows. In the corner, Mistress Glockenshpiel began applauding very enthusiastically with her golf clap.

Legolas stood silent for a moment. It had been months since he had returned home from Minas Tirith, and still people were lauding his name for ridiculous things, like saving hairs of Aragorn's so that he could use them for DNA cloning, for example. And now… this… ditty of sorts… was only making things worse. Now girls were asking him about how well Sauron's bra fit when he tried it on and wondering why he picked Gandalf over someone like, say, Gimli. Guys would be even worse. "Of course Eowyn isn't in Mirkwood Palace chained to Thranduil's bed. And no, we aren't letting you in just so you can check." Legolas was so sick of correcting people. So, it was for these reasons and more that he decided he couldn't take it anymore.

"I can't take it anymore!" Legolas yelled out loud. He fled his father's Great Hall and ran to his room.

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In a pile with his other belongings he found his cloak, bow, and arrows. While putting these on and scanning the room for other things he would need, he spotted…

"OLLY!" Legolas squeed. He snuggled up to the olliphaunt plushie, making muffled noises against the soft material.

"Oh, yeah, baby! Keep it coming, keep it coming!"

"Wha-???" Legolas jumped, dropping Olly on the woodwork floor.

"You know, you look so lovely with your eyes all wide like that," Mistress Glockenshpiel purred.

Legolas was scared. How did she get from the Great Hall to here so fast? How did she get into his room without him noticing? Had she really been following him this whole time? Legolas tried to act like he had any composure left, "Scuse me, ma'am, you startled me."

"Really?" Mistress Glockenshpiel laughed a laugh that would put anyone in mind of Rita Skeeter. Legolas's spine tingled. "Why, sir," she continued, inching up to Legolas, "excuse ME for being taken aback by the way you shake so. My, my, war hero indeed, I would think you'd be used to this kind of thing."

A sulky 5-year-old stomped his foot in the back of Legolas's mind. "I am TOO a war hero!" Legolas pouted. "And I NEVER quake in the face of danger! Uh…." Mistress Glockenshpiel inched a little closer. Legolas stuffed down a 2-year-old scream.

"Hmmmm… yes, I can see that…" Mistress Glockenshpiel murmured. "Perhaps we just need to… get to know each other a little better…"

Legolas backed up slowly. His mind was blank at this point. "I… uh… I… I'm sorry, but I…" He groped behind him desperately, hoping that there was something to grab back there that would help him.

Mistress Glockenshpiel pressed herself up against Legolas's body, rearranging her face to a Renee Zellweger pout. "Aww… baby, don't tell me that Gandalf has you all booked."

"Ummm… yeah! Yeah! He does! But if you sign up early I can guarantee you a time on my next round!" Legolas swung around his hands. In one he was holding a piece of paper. In the other hand he was holding a rubber chicken. Mistress Glockenshpiel frowned until Legolas added, "Free gift for the first person who signs up!"

"How come this says 'Royal Invitation to the Edoras Jamboree'?" Mistress Glockenshpiel asked.

"Meeting place," Legolas coughed. _Note to self_, he thought, _don't go to the Edoras Jamboree this year._

"Okay!" Mistress Glockenshpiel grinned. As she was distracted signing her name in floppy letters, Legolas grabbed Olly and ran for his life.

--

Mirkwood Forest was always dark no matter the time of day. Legolas grew up never seeing the light past the leafy canopy in the trees. He never knew what light was like until his father commissioned him to travel to Rivendell at Elrond's request. Now, running through the dark woods, he longed for a bit of light to shine on him like it did the day Sauron fell, just so it would feel like there was at least one bright spot on his mind.

Thinking about this made Legolas stumble and fall into a hollow in the ground. The last thought Legolas remembered after that was, "Oh, shit, knew I should've brought a flashlight."

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To quote from The Producers...

"If you like this please tell everyone but  
If you think this stinks, keep your big mouth shut!"

In other words, you can give me constructive criticism (I'd like to hear how to improve), but nothing along the lines of "Go away and die" or "This sucks ss!" Good reviews make me happy .


	2. Chapter 1: Hollywood

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Lord of the Rings at all except the books, the DVDs, and the posters. I don't own anything that I've alluded to in this story. All cameos appear courtesy of themselves, and I'm not renting them out for use. I don't own any of the songs I've used except on computer or CD.

Cameo Count: 2 _(Gotta Spot Them All!)_

Note: Sorry this chapter took so long!

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**The Elfling Prince Song**

_**Chapter 1**_

_Mirkwood Forest was always dark no matter the time of day. Legolas grew up never seeing the light past the leafy canopy in the trees. He never knew what light was like until his father commissioned him to travel to Rivendell at Elrond's request. Now, running through the dark woods, he longed for a bit of light to shine on him like it did the day Sauron fell, just so it would feel like there was at least one bright spot on his mind. _

"Oh my god, it's so bright…" Legolas rubbed his eyes. He was still sprawled out on the ground the way he fell, although there was something somewhat strange, different, and peculiar about his surroundings.

Then it occurred to him. Light. Blinding. Bright.

"Where am I?" muttered Legolas.

"You're lying right in the middle of our set! What do you mean, where are you?"

Legolas winced at the shouting voice. Wherever he was, it wasn't very good. He wondered if he was kidnapped by fanboys.

Slowly, he rolled over onto his back and chanced a squint at his kidnappers.

"AAAAAH!" he screamed. He leapt up, wildly gesturing and babbling.

A thin woman with sandy blonde hair wrapped in a ponytail and a baseball cap turned around to a guy with a brown fro and another baseball cap on. "What the hell is he going on about? Is he speaking French?"

"I thought he was speaking Korean!"

"HE'S SPEAKING IN TONGUES!" screamed a lady dressed in operatic attire from tall wig to very large hoop skirt.

"Oh, shut up, Clarice! Everyone leave until we get this all sorted out!" the blonde lady yelled.

Legolas turned around and watched everyone run out of the vast room they were in. Mumbling a bit in Elvish, he miserably plopped down on the hard floor and cried.

"Ermmmmm… what does "O Belegurth" mean?" the woman asked. She tried approaching the thin figure, only to have him run away.

The elf mouthed to himself for a bit, looking like he was trying to swallow a lemon whole. Then he managed to get out (in English), "Do you understand me now?"

"Yes…" the woman replied.

Legolas looked around again. At first glance it seemed like he was in a ballroom with chandeliers and a grand staircase, but on further inspection there appeared to be lots of little black boxes on stands along with little cylinders hanging in midair. Then with a start he noticed the supports for the walls of the ballroom and the empty space behind him.

"Is… is… is this place REAL?" Legolas stuttered.

"No, it isn't! This is the matrix! In reality our bodies are strapped to machines and robots are simulated this world in our heads!"

"Brad! Stuff it! Don't confuse him more with your conspiracy theories!" the lady glared at the wide-eyed porky man. She turned back to Legolas, who had started shaking. "Look, I dunno where you came from, but we need to continue shooting this film and right now you're standing in the way."

"SHOOTING?!" Legolas yelped. "Now wait just a minute, you mean all those people standing outside are just waiting to be shot?"

Both people gave Legolas a weird look. "Okay, you know what? We really don't have time for this right now. Brad, you continue shooting, I'll take this guy to the hospital."

Brad gave the woman a nod as she grabbed Legolas's arm and started dragging him to the door.

"NO!" Legolas screamed. He wrenched his arm away from the woman and, finding that he still had everything he took from his room earlier, swiftly pulled out his bow and an arrow.

"Jesus!" screamed the woman, "Watch where you aim that!"

"I won't let you shoot and kill innocent people!" cried Legolas.

"No, look, it's not what you think!" Brad waved his arms and ran towards one of the black boxes. He turned it to face Legolas and grinned nervously, "It's just a camera! Say hi?"

Brad jumped as the arrow from Legolas's bow struck the camera and broke it. "Duuuuude, what the hell are you doing?" he exclaimed.

"This is saving lives! Don't obstruct me!" Legolas knew inside that the line came from an action figure of him that had been marketed after Sauron had been defeated, but for some reason he couldn't resist using it as he destroyed the evil black boxes.

"You fucking bastard!" screamed the woman. "Do you realize what you've done? Now we'll hafta ask the studio for MORE money to finish the movie! Yeah!" she snarled at Legolas's puzzled look. "M-O-V-I-E! MOVIE! Also known as a "MOTION PICTURE"! MOVING PICTURES! NOTHING that involves killing."

Legolas was embarrassed, but he still had one question, "Where do you move the pictures to?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the woman shrieked as she dragged Legolas to her car.

"Ummmm… I guess I'll send the actors home then?" Legolas heard Brad call as he was slammed against what looked like a shiny cage on wheels.

Legolas turned around and immediately went headlong into a shiny cage on wheels. "AAAAAAAAAH!" he yelled. "Oh my god, don't kidnap me and kill me and leave me to rot in the woods somewhere!"

To his surprise, he landed on a padded bench that actually felt very comfy. The woman closed the door and climbed in the cage herself. Legolas watched her bend over, pick up a device, and open it.

"Hey, Antonio, it's me. Yeah, I'm coming home early. No, no, don't set out the wine. Just… hide everything away. I have a psycho with me in the car, and I'm not sure what to do with him. Maybe you can help me decide."

Underneath his seat, something started humming and vibrating. Legolas looked up and saw that they were zooming away from the building and towards a mass of where other cages were. Interested, Legolas sighed and watched the window.

At the freeway, the woman turned her head to glance, "Alright, are you calmed down now? Can you talk to me without asking stupid questions or panicking? I realize that maybe this is all new to you but since I'm two inches away from the edge you could at least pretend you understand modern technology."

Legolas nodded. "But what is this place?"

"This is Las Angeles, California, where are you from where you haven't heard of America?"

Legolas frowned. "I'm from Mirkwood."

"Mirkwood… that around Europe or someplace?"

"Mirkwood's in Middle Earth."

"Hmmmm… that's weird…" Before Legolas could ask what was so weird, the woman changed the subject and asked, "So, why do you have a bow and arrows? Are you the village hunter where you come from?"

"Haha. No, actually, I'm a famous war hero where I come from. I can't go anywhere without fangirls trying to grab me."

"Really?" the woman smiled.

"Yeah, I mean, COME ON! My hair is greasy, my eyes flash different creepy colors…"

"Ah, those are minor details for someone with too much charisma. Actually, I hear there are scientists doing research on the subject. There seems to be a disorder…" She cut off when the cage passed a sign that said "Palo Alto: Exit This Lane Only". "Dammit, I gotta get off here," she muttered as she merged into the next lane over and began concentrating on her driving.

Legolas stared out the window. This new world was making him feel disoriented and queasy. He could've sworn he saw double golden arches at the last bridge they past, yet there were more at this bridge too. Then all of a sudden they were pulling away from the other cages and traveling up the hill to another road. And then to another road. And then to yet another road. "How do you not get lost?" he groaned with his hands holding his head.

"You should be looking at the houses, there's some pretty cool ones on this stretch." The woman turned into a driveway leading up to one of the houses and stopped the cage. "Okay, you can get out of the car now, just don't panic or bolt or anything."

Legolas stared at the door. There were several levers and buttons, and he wasn't sure which one opened the door. He covered his eyes and gingerly pushed one.

He looked up to face the woman's cold dark eyes through an open window. "Try that one," she pointed to the big lever below the edge of the window. As Legolas lowered the lever and pushed, he couldn't help feeling the woman was quietly steaming but controlling herself very well.

"Andrëa! Andrëa, my love!"

The woman smiled and turned around. "Antonio!" she cried as she ran towards a dark-haired man who had stepped out of the front door to greet them.

As Legolas dejectedly approached them from the car, Antonio grinned from his embrace and cheekily replied, "Hey, there go your chances of winning any ladies today!"

_Andrëa_, thought Legolas, _that's such a pretty name too. Gah…_

Legolas spent the rest of his day discovering the wonders of a PC computer and indoor plumbing. Antonio was kind and patient enough to show Legolas how to use both (while Andrëa left to go take an aspirin).

"You don't speak normal English," Antonio commented as Legolas browsed through iTunes. "You're always using long vowels and never taking advantage of contractions."

"You don't speak normal English either," Legolas retorted in his British-tinged accent. "You keep rolling your 'r's randomly and overusing your soft palate."

"Well, I have an excuse! I'm Hispanic!" pouted Antonio.

"What's a Hispanic?" Legolas stopped at the incredulous look on Antonio's face. "Wait… I'm supposed to know that, aren't I?"

"¡Que horror!" Antonio announced to the sky before shaking his head in dismay. He was answered by the song "Tubthumping" blasted through the speakers of the computer, followed by a "My bad!"

"So I bet you boys had fun," Andrëa demurely commented through her drink while lounging later that night.

"Yeah!" rasped Legolas, breathless with excitement.

"Andrëa, you do know this man has potential, right?" Antonio raised an eyebrow at his wife.

Andrëa frowned. "If you're thinking what I'm thinking, sure, but that still doesn't answer the question of what we're going to do with him."

"Which brings me to my wondrous plan!" grinned Antonio. Antonio had a way of grinning that gave people warm shivers.

Shivers which made their way down Legolas's back and gave him terrible premonitions. "Oh no, are you about to…"

"¡Sí!" Antonio exclaimed. A beat-up boom box dropped out of nowhere and began playing a catchy guitar rhythm that sounded strangely like the beginning to U2's "Vertigo". "¡Uno¡Dos¡Tres¡Cuatro!" Antonio shouted.

_I think he was counting… he counts well…_, Legolas thought.

"Now, Andrëa, picture this in your head for a second…" Antonio murmured. He began singing in a disjointed rhythm, which randomly sped up and slowed down, "The guy/Comes down/The shock/The pounding in your head/The room/It stops/You leap –" Antonio leaped suddenly next to Legolas and posed "- into the fore-/-ground then/por suerte, luces vivos, feel the pull/You can't/Just help but stare in wonder."

"Hola, hola…" Antonio swayed.

"¡Bienvenido!" shouted a group of guys in huge sombreros who randomly popped up around Antonio then disappeared. Legolas looked around trying to find where the guys came from.

"¡A la ciudad Hollywood!" Antonio sang. "It's everything you want but didn't know except you -" he pointed to Legolas, "- give it something like appeal! Appeal!"

"But Antonio, we don't even know if he can act!" Andrëa pleaded.

"I'm not trying to act stupid, this is a legit question here, but what are you guys talking about?" Legolas wondered.

Antonio continued singing to Legolas in the same disjoined rhythm as the verse before. "Your job/Is full/Of goals/The conflicts sear the plot/With ink/And blood/But twinkle porque girls/Play sweet/And low/They know they're paying cash/To see/Your show."

"My what?" Legolas asked exasperatedly. He was sick of being clueless.

Antonio swung him around and around as the rhythm of the song changed to a more jaunty and off-the-down-beat rhythm, "You can sell movies/Give me tenth the check/Let me be your agent/Keep me at your beck/Rocking to your music/Rocking to your music/Whoooooa/Whoooooa/Whooooa."

He stopped Legolas and swung him loose, singing, "Hola, hola…"

"¡Bienvenido!" cried the random group of backup singers as they popped up again behind Legolas, stopping his fall.

"¡A la ciudad Hollywood!" Antonio sang as Legolas jumped in shock at the sudden reappearance of the backup singers. He continued singing as the backup singers circled Legolas. "It's everything you want but didn't know except you give it something like appeal! Appeal!"

And then there was a guitar in Antonio's hands and Antonio was playing it, only Legolas could barely register that because he was suddenly being buffeted around by the backup singers' headbanging. When he finally figured out where he was in the crowd, he felt himself being elevated, looked down, and realized that the backup singers were lifting him onto their shoulders. "Puedes tener cualquiera en el mundo," they all seemed to be chanting.

"What does that mean?!" Legolas cried.

"You can have anyone you want in the world!" replied Antonio, pointing at Legolas and winking. The backup singers collectively fainted, leaving Legolas to fall to the floor.

"Hola, hola," Antonio started singing, then looked at his wife. "Hey, you say it now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Come on now!"

The music slowly grinded to a halt as the two argued like the married couple they were. Legolas got up and brushed himself off and began trying to make his way to the indoor outhouse.

"No, no, no! You get back here!" Antonio dragged Legolas back. "The song's almost finished anyway!"

"Alright! Alright! FINE! I'll say it! Bienvenido! Are you happy?"

"Yes!" Antonio grinned. The music came back on and he continued, "¡A la ciudad Hollywood! It's everything you want but didn't know, except you give it something like appeal, to teach me how…" He continued holding the notes while pulling back Legolas at the same time.

"I really need to go!" Legolas insisted.

"But…" And Antonio continued singing, "Your looks are teaching me how to appeal! Appeal!"

Legolas managed to run out and come back while Antonio was pre-occupied with his finishing "yeah"s. "So, what was it you wanted?" Legolas asked when he got back.

Antonio stared.

"He thinks you'd be good in the movies." Andrëa summed up the song in a single sentence.

"Yeah, that…" Antonio sighed.

"Oh…" Legolas faded out.

The room filled with the gaseous waste we call silence.

"Well, I thought it was a stupid idea!" Andrëa scoffed.

"Hey, you already have a movie you can put him into, and the first profits he gets he'll be able to pay back to you to buy you some new camera and sound equipment." Antonio pointed out.

"Wow, I love this idea, what are we waiting for, let's do it!" Andrëa swiftly corrected herself.

"I suppose I don't really have a choice then, do I?" Legolas shrugged. He bedded himself down in the TV room and had nightmares filled with fat elves named Mistress Glockenshpiel.

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**Translations:**

"Belegurth" ("great death") is another name for Melkor. For those who don't know Melkor, go check out a copy of _The Silmarillion_ because it's a very interesting read if you're seriously into Lord of the Rings.

"Andrëa" should be pronounced ahn-dray-yah.

"¡Que horror!" is "What horror!" in Spanish. Pronounced kay-or-ror, preferably with a couple of exclamation marks for good measure.

"¡Sí!" is "Yes!" in Spanish. Pronounced see.

"¡Uno¡Dos¡Tres¡Cuatro!" (This site is deleting the upright exclamation points as I try to add them) is "One! Two! Three! Four!" in Spanish. If you really think Bono's "Ones (?)! Two! Three! Fourteen!" has some significance to it... hey, I won't spoil your fantasy. Pronounced oo-noh-dohss-trayss-cwah-troh.

"Por suerte" is like saying "Thank goodness" in Spanish ("Suerte" is "luck" in Spanish). Pronounced pore-swear-tay.

"Luces vivos" is "bright lights" in Spanish. Pronounced looss-sehss-vee-vohss.

"Hola" is "Hello" in Spanish. Pronounced oh-lah.

"¡Bienvenido a la ciudad Hollywood!" is "Welcome to the city Hollywood" in Spanish. If you can prove my grammar is wrong, please review and correct me. Pronounced bee-yehn-vehn-nee-doh-ah-lah-syoo-dahd-hah-lee-wood.

"Porqué" is "because" in Spanish. "Por qué" is "why" in Spanish. Both are pronounced pore-kay.

"Puedes tener cualquiera en el mundo" literally translates as "You are able to have anybody in the world" in Spanish. If you can prove my grammar wrong, please review and correct me. Pronounced pweh-dez-tehn-air-cwahl-kee-yere-ah-ehn-ehl-moon-doh.

... Hey, some people know Spanish, others don't. I'm just trying to accommodate for everyone!


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